I
it can happen that
addresses wars and important academic concepts
will need to be forgotten
in order to remember not what you told me
but how darkness wedged itself in the crack of the open door
a palm on one’s stomach
temporary resistance to the laws of space and time
the work of memory is so essential
psychoanalysts historians philosophers and others have underscored it
but now while carefully crossing a narrow bridge
and trying to avoid the bike riders
I have to remember all of this myself
II
to remember Roman numerals
because you can enumerate parts of a poem with them
to remember things you don’t know the names of
but their contours seem like they were brought closer by an inner aperture
sometimes they appear in the foreground of consciousness
to remember to buy toothpaste and black tights
to get an appointment at the doctor the birthdays of those most important to you
to remember to not say everything that comes to your mind
to count the glasses and in the middle drink water
to remember that you live on a planet regulated by the laws of cause and effect
people can start to despise you not greet you and avoid you
that you don’t go to bed at a reasonable time you sit too long at the computer
to remember that some people haven’t earned one iota of your time and attention
that bad dreams don’t foretell the future
that hell doesn’t exist
that you grew up long ago already and you don’t have to merge with the background
each time when someone looks at you disapprovingly or raises their voice
to remember that there are things which you are allowed to forget
III
people don’t remember what they had on and what they have said
sitting at the table during a specific year on a specific date
they also don’t remember what day of the week it was and what kind of lightening there was in the room
(you don’t need to remind them it will just make them uneasy)
IV
you don’t remember all of the nonsense said while drunk
but if you suddenly
on some day
would remember all of that
in a split second all at once
V
there are also things
we simply agree to not remember
just like that drunken nonsense
like that which people have said on a specific date in a particular light
VI
remember
someone once wrote an online comment to you
if you think all of your thoughts to their conclusion you will suddenly find yourself together with the polyester walls
do you need that?
VIII
I think the time has come to admit
that we are connected by memory alone
VIII
does it seem to you that that changes something?
IX
now I can answer you totally honestly
I don’t know anymore I have drunk so much that I can’t walk
I can’t tell the taxi driver my address – I don’t remember
I
var gadīties ka
adreses karus un svarīgus akadēmiskus konceptus
vajadzēs aizmirst
lai atcerētos nevis ko tu man teici
bet kā atvērto durvju spraugā iešķēlās tumsa
plaukstu uz vēdera
īslaicīgo pretošanos laika un telpas nosacījumiem
atmiņas darbs ir tik svarīgs
to uzsvēruši psihoanalītiķi vēsturnieki filozofi un citi
bet tagad uzmanīgi šķērsojot šauro tiltu
un mēģinot izvairītites no riteņbraucējiem
man tas viss jāatceras vienai pašai
II
atcerēties romiešu ciparus
jo ar tiem var sanumurēt dzejoļu daļas
atcerēties lietas kurām nezini vārdus
bet to apveidi it kā iekšēja objektīva pietuvināti
reizēm uzrodas apziņas tuvplānā
atcerēties nopirkt zobu pastu un melnas zeķbikses
pierakstīties pie ārsta svarīgo cilvēku dzimšanas dienas
atcerēties neteikt visu kas ienāk prātā
skaitīt glāzes pa vidu dzert ūdeni
atcerēties ka tu dzīvo uz planētas kurā darbojas cēloņu un seku likumsakarības
cilvēki var sākt tevi ienīst nesveicināt un novērsties
ka tu neej gulēt laicīgi pārāk daudz sēdi pie datora
atcerēties ka daži cilvēki nav pelnījuši necik no tavas uzmanības un laika
ka slikti sapņi nepareģo nākotni
ka elle neeksistē
ka tu jau sen esi pieaugusi un tev nav jāsaplūst ar fonu
ikreiz kad kāds nosodoši paskatās vai paceļ balsi
atcerēties ka ir lietas kuras drīkst aizmirst
III
cilvēki neatceras kas viņiem bijis mugurā un ko viņi teikuši
sēžot pie galda konkrētā gada konkrētajā datumā
tāpat neatceras kas tā bija par nedēļas dienu un kāds tobrīd bija apgaismojums telpā
(nevajag viņiem to atgādināt tas viņus satrauc)
IV
tu neatceries visādas dzēruma muļķības
bet ja nu pēkšņi
kādu dienu
tu to visu atcerētos
uzreiz vienā mirklī
V
vēl ir lietas
ko mēs vienkārši sarunājam neatcerēties
tāpat kā dzēruma muļķības
kā to ko cilvēki teikuši konkrētā datumā konkrētā apgaismojumā
VI
atceries
kāds tev reiz internetā uzrakstīja komentāru
ja izdomāsi visas domas līdz galam attapsies telpā ar polsterētām sienām
vai tev to vajag?
VII
es domāju ir pienācis laiks atzīt
ka mūs saista vienīgi atmiņa
VIII
vai tev šķiet ka tas kaut ko maina?
IX
tagad es varu tev pavisam godīgi atbildēt
es vairs nezinu es esmu izdzērusi tik daudz ka nevaru paiet
nevaru taksistam nosaukt savu adresi – es neatceros