I MADE MYSELF A SHIP

by Tibor Hrs Pandur


I MADE MYSELF A SHIP

A real big one, with wheels, so it could go on the road

And it had a pool on it

And Željko helped me

I organized everything

Magnets that I could do anything

I imagined seas

On which we’d sail

Gathered the crew

Said farewell to my friends

I was happy

So immensely happy

To go

Željko hid the boat

Across some cars in the parking lot

And smashed one belonging to security

 

When we said goodbye to Livia, Tomaž and the team

And I leafed through Bakunin’s book, owned by Tesla

They took our ship away

And the next day the ship was gone

And we had to wait until morning

The courts put things in motion

Interrogated witnesses etc.

And I became angry

That I let others steer my ship

I was so immensely happy to go

Irene came and said I’d gone too far

But I told her through tears that I was finally happy

That I didn’t want to suffer and hurt anymore

That I’d had enough

That I’d heard

She said okay and hugged me

Blessed me and took the snakes away

 

But when I woke up the anger returned

Because if you let others take control of your vehicle, you lose it

If you don’t squat the space for yourself

You lose

If you stop breathing with your diaphragm, you lose

If you don’t go when you feel you must

You lose

If you can’t chill yourself out

If you don’t transmute this force through your body

If you don’t get it that you yourself are

Your own perfect ship

And just be

 

Simply write this as instruction

To a self

Transformed by this very inscription

Into someone who forgets

 

Just be

Breathe, have the sound of birds

And the rustling of trees in the leaves

Just have this

And understand how your life

Has been formed by yearning

You transposed into a precondition

Of persistent inscription

And thus solved these dilemmas

Of life on a leaf of paper

 

Whirled within you

In self-prisons of envy

Perceptions

Resentments towards mothers

Exaggerated

Who left you in front of TV’s

Exchanged for appearances

(So you could forgive them infinitely)

 

To desire peace

Wind in your ears

Greens in your eyes

Have this

Just really have this

Nimbleness of body

The air that breathes you

The acid you produce

All these cells

 

If through subjective revelation

Of a specific soul

A universe of truths unfolds

If it is possible to present what flows

What you lose in dreams

What hurts

What glimmers as the feeling of final hope

On harmony

On the peace you own if you leave yourself alone

On the freedom you seize with a gesture

The water of bodies you perform every movement

The endorphins you generate for yourself

 

To see people elevated

To gentle signals

To the enigma of touch

To the warmth of bodies

To the point of presence, where the hole sews itself

To thank someone

Who put his brains through his hands

To transmit

To show

To undress

To uncroak

To unfold

 

To bring this stuff out

Assuming that what’s within

Real for you

Common perhaps to all

So that an unborn might see

Or have something to read

That the ink which turns to thought

Makes this page into a body

In which you’ve already been

That someone could smile

Or to make silence

To see

To be able to move on

From "Internal Affairs"; Translated by Jasmin B. Frelih, THP & Jeffrey Young

NARDIL SEM SI LADJO

Táko veliko s kolesi, da je šla po cesti
In not je imela bazen
In Željko mi je pomagal
Vse sem organiziral
Magnete, da zmorem vse
Predstavljal sem si morja
Po katerih bomo pluli
Zbiral posadko
Se poslavljal od prijateljev
Srečen sem bil
Tako neznansko srečen
Da grem
Željko je ladjo skril
Čez avtomobile pri parkirišču
In zmečkal enega varnostnikovega
Ko smo se poslavljali od Livije, Tomaža in ekipe
In sem listal knjigo Bakunina, ki jo je imel Tesla
So nam ladjo odpeljali
In naslednji dan ladje ni bilo
In smo morali čakat do jutra
Sodišče je sprožilo postopek
Zasliševalo priče etc.
In sem postal jezen
Da sem pustil drugim vozit svojo ladjo
Srečen sem bil tako neznansko
Srečen, da grem
Irena je prišla in rekla, da sem šel predaleč
Ampak sem ji s solzami rekel, da sem končno vesel
Da nočem trpet in mučit se več
Da mam dovolj
Da sem slišal
Je rekla okej in me objela
Me blagoslovila in kače stran vzela

Ko sem se zbudil, se je jeza vrnila
Ker če pustiš drugim vozit svoje vozilo, ga zgubiš
Če prostora ne zaskvotaš zase
Zgubiš
Če ne dihaš več na prepono, zgubiš
Če ne greš, ko čutiš, da moraš
Zgubiš
Če se ne znaš sam skulirat
Če ne transmutiraš te sile skoz telo
Če ne poštekaš, da si ti sam že
Svoja ladja popolna
In samo bit

Preprosto to napisat kot napotek
Nekemu sebi
Ki ga bo že sam zapis tega preobrazil
V nekoga, ki pozabi

Samo bit
Dihat, met zvok ptičev
In šelestenje dreves v listih
Samo to met
In razumet, kako je tvoje življenje
Formiralo hrepenenje
Ki si ga transponiral v predpogoj
Vztrajanja zapisovanja
In tako reševal te dileme
Življenjske na listu papirja

Se vrtel v sebi
Samozaporih zavisti
Zavesti
Zamer do mam
Pretiravanih
Ki so te pustile pred televizijami
Zamenjanega za predstave
(Da jim lahko neskončno odpuščaš)

Mir si želet
Veter v ušesih
Zelenje v očeh
To met
Samo to res met
Gibkost telesa
Zrak, ki te diha
Kislino, ki jo proizvajaš
Vse te celice

Če se skoz subjektivno razkritje
Specifične duše
Razkriva vesolje resnic
Če je možno predstavit, kar steče
Kar zgubiš v sanjah
Kar boli
Kar se zasvetlika kot filing zadnjega upanja
Na harmonijo
Na mir, ki ga maš, če se na miru pustiš
Na svobodo, ki jo z gibom zavzameš
Vodo teles, ki jo v gibu izvajaš
Endorfine, ki si jih sam proizvajaš

Za videt ljudi, ki jih dvigne
Za nežne signale
Za enigmo dotika
Za toploto teles
Za točko bližine, kjer luknja šiva sebe
Za hvala nekomu
Ki si ji dal možgane skoz roke
Da bi posredoval
Pokazal
Slekel
Razcrknil
Razkril

Da bi prinesel ven ta material
Sklepajoč, kar je not
Resnično zate
Skupno morda vsem
Da bi kak nerojen videl
Ali imel kaj za brat
Da črnilo, ki postane misel
Stran spremeni v telo
V katerem si že bil
Da se nekdo lahko nasmehne
Ali da se tišina nardi
Da bi videl
Da bi lahko šel dalje

Iz zbirke "Notranje zadeve"