ADDENDUM TO THE KARAMAZOVS

by Tibor Hrs Pandur


ADDENDUM TO THE KARAMAZOVS

I.

 

Shyamalan did the Karamazovs on Comedy Central

That Ivan destroys it all

The whole house in a statement

 

So he can pinpoint a mother in the crowd

Blinded by his passions

And his “translucent amber of dreams”

Music made manifest

 

2.

 

We were in Nicaragua. With Mladinsko Theater. Wept from joy and horror

Old temples where they exploited us. Baby lions all tied up. Before when white dogs whirled around. At night. Across the river. Who were butchered and eaten by dolphins. And a strange black tentacle came out toward me

Our leaders turned on us. We staged the Karamazovs. And they tortured us and locked us up, so we couldn’t even form sentences anymore.

Their own soldiers they tortured in their own filth.

 

At the end a shaman leads me behind the temple:

– Are your people guilty?

– Some of them, yes … I kneel. Light incense for the Nazis

 

We forged a resistance, when suddenly amid my speech, where I said everything I didn’t mean to: Matajc interrupts the mission that we’re finishing up now, or slowly moving to MOTHERLY LOVE …

– Someone protests that she’s a fool. That it should end here …

– You’ll see, Dostoyevsky is great!

 

And I saw how enmity begets enemies amongst us all. How horror sows its seed. And saw in the eyes of brothers how they began to hate me. How they suddenly wanted to kill me. How fear made them cover only their own asses. How I blew up with tears when I returned. Embraced all my dearest friends. Happiness pumped out of me. Enflamed me.

The Armageddon of insane love, begotten by boundless violence, tore at my guts. That I gave it away. From sheer necessity. And embraced Ivan. It forced me to hug them. Some of them in time. Some of them too late

 

“What can we now expect from our soldiers, who are meant to protect us?! Cuffs? A knife in the back? Great. Our dreams have become our only legitimate form of resistance!”

 

And when we returned, Željko and I watched baby lions tied to a pole

how they squealed and suffered, and hatched up plans to free them.

Felt how the rage grew inside me.

How it’s transmitted from generation to generation …

 

I sat there in the middle of the jungle and had no idea how to save them.

Our generals betrayed us. Enslaved their own people.

Out of pure sadistic mockery. How to attack something like that?

 

“You run around with your fire-sticks and think you’ll maintain order?”

 

Then I had to divide the world evenly

While the world refuses to be divided evenly

 

3.

 

PERSONAL NOTE

 

Nothing special really.

I watched this spider

Hang in the middle of his web

In the morning when the masks come off

 

Nina Š. had become a stripper

And a very talented one at that, in some stifling dump

After meeting her in some apartment she kissed me

While airplanes on TV flew fast and

Bombed six-eyed Asian statues

And I recorded it. Totally out of it

 

Weird. Even Oliver Stone. Who directed it all. Had no idea Hung on the phone. Hung on the phone all day long …

 

4.

 

– He was a polyp!

– Yeah, one of his eyes was green the other blue

 

We stalked, we hunted: Smerdyakov

It rained. We knew he was close

I had whole houses graffitied. Words melted

As we hunted for him. Ink dropped

And the feeling was we wanted to stop the rain

The horror. Of falling. And that it’d wipe away. Everything


We find him in one of the barracks. He jumped down From the head of some attic and grinned insanely. Alyosha took him away: I knew I had to kill him

Otherwise this would’ve never stopped

Intensely I felt this: He’s evil!

Then in my hands. I think how ironic

I whack him with a hammer, he faints like the fat turtle that he is.

With the sharp end I butcher what’s left of his little brain

I open the door: Smerdyakov is dead! I did him in! Everybody interrupts the show and embraces me

 

The image of an unerasable crime is etched into my memory

It’s there every time I close my eyes

Every time I hide my face

 

5.

 

Suddenly lost. In rage. In the jungle. Hunted by pigs and tigers and monkeys Rain falls. Sounds are. I call for help. Because I lost myself. And became a pig


“To write truth directly. That’s the fucking hardest!”

 

And the world was falling apart. Ran out through the fence

Ran from cannibals

In the end reached the place where I started

Behind the fence that separates: criminals from men

But outside of it

The taste of trees

 

Came to a yogi. Had noises in my head. Behind the house behind the temple

He held my head and cleaned my brain with a real beautiful melody

And I was clean

 

6.

 

“I’LL NEVER BE A GENERAL”

 

I love your stomach and all the juices in it

All that runs through you

I love the water you are and all that runs in you

Can’t this be enough for a small renaissance at least?

 

I like nights because they make me imagine

We’re alone on Earth

Although we’re just numbers amid millions

According to the rank

And the mood of some superior

In an anthill

And no one has any idea

From "Internal Affairs"; Translated by Jasmin B. Frelih, THP & Jeffrey Young

ADENDUM H KARAMAZOVIM

1.

Šjamalan je delal Karamazove v Špasteatru 
Da Ivan vse uniči

Celo bajto kot stejtment

Da bi znal pokazat na mamo v množici 
Blinded by his passions

And his »transluscent amber of dreams« 
Music made manifest

 

2.

Bli smo v Nikaragvi. Z mladinskim teatrom. Jokal od sreče in groze.

Stare templje v katerih so nas izkoriščali. Levčki, ki so jih zvezali. Prej ko so se beli psi vrtinčli. Ponoči. Čez reko. Ki so jih poklali in pojedli delfini. In je čudna črna lovka pršla ven proti meni. Naše vodje so se obrnile proti nam. 
Delali Karamazove. Oni pa so nas mučli in zapirali, da nismo znali več formirat stavkov. Lastne vojake so mučli v lastnem blatu. 

Na koncu me šaman vodi za templjem: 
Are your people guilty? 
Some of them, yes ...
Klečim. Prižgem palčko za naciste ...

Kovali smo odpor, ko naenkrat med mojim govorom, ko sem povedal vse kar nisem mislil: Matajc prekine misijo, da zdaj zaključujemo oz. prehajamo 
K MATERINSKI LJUBEZNI ...

— Nekdo protestira, da je norec. Da bi se tukaj moglo končat ...
— Boš vidla, Dostojevski je velik!

In videl sem kako sovraštvo dela sovražnike iz nas vseh. Kako groza seje svoje seme. In videl v očeh bratov kako so me začeli sovražit. Da me naenkrat hočejo ubit.
 
Da od strahu vsak misli samo na svojo rit. Da sem se razjokal, ko sem prišel nazaj. Objemal vse kot svoje najdražje prijatelje. 
Sreča je pumpala iz mene. 
Gorela me je.

Armagedon blazne ljubezni, ki jo je rodilo brezmejno nasilje, mi je trgal drobovje. 
Da sem jo razdajal. Od sile. In objel Ivana. Me vlekla da jih objamem. 
Nekatere pravočasno. Nekatere prepozno.

»Kaj lahko zdaj pričakujemo od tistih naših vojakov, ki bi nas naj varovali?! Lisice? Nož v hrbet? Super. Naše sanje so postale edina legitimna možnost upora!«

In ko smo se vrnili, sva z Željkom gledala na drog zvezane levčke kako so cvilili in trpeli in kovala načrte, da jih osvobodiva. Čutu kako jeza v meni raste. 
Kako prehaja iz generacije v generacijo ...

Sedel sem tam sred džungle in nisem vedel kako jih naj rešim. Naši generali so nas izdali. Zasužnjevali lastne ljudi.
Iz navadne sadistične zajebancije. Kako napast nekaj takega?

»S svojimi pokalicami tekate naokrog in mislite, da boste ohranili red?!«

Pol sem moral razdelit svet na enakomerne dele 
In ne moreš delit sveta enakomerno ...


3.
 PERSONAL NOTE

Drgač pa nič posebnega.
Gledal sem tega pajka 
Hengat v centru mreže

In the morning when the masks come off

Nina Š. je postala striptizeta

In to zelo nadarjena v nekem zatohlem pajzlu

Po sestanku v nekem stanovanju me je poljubljala 
Letala na televiziji pa so šopala

In bombe so padale na azijske kipe s šestimi očmi 
Jaz pa sem snemal. Ves navdušen

Čudno. Da še Oliver Stone. Ki je vse to zrežiral. Ni mel pojma

Visel na telefonu. Skoz visel na telefonu ...

4.

Polip je bil

Ja eno oko je imel modro drugo pa zeleno

Iskali, lovili smo ga. Smerdjakova
Deževalo je. Vedli smo, da je blizu

Cele hiše sem mel popisane. Besede so se topile 
Ko smo ga lovili. Je črnilo kapljalo
In filing je bil kot da hočemo ustavit dež

Grozo. Da pada. In da bo spral. Vse

Najdemo ga v eni od bajt. Skoču je dol
Iz glave podstrešja in se blazno režal.
 
Aljoša ga je odpeljal: Vedu sem da ga moram ubit

Drgač se to ne bi nikoli končalo

Intenzivno sem to čutu: Hudoben je!

Potem v mojih rokah mislim kako ironično

S kladivom ga butnem, da se onesvesti kot debela želva, ki je
Mu z ostrim delom razmesarim kar je ostalo od njegovih majhnih možganov
Odprem vrata: Smerdjakov je mrtev! Jaz sem ga! Vsi prekinejo predstavo 
Me objemajo

Podoba neizbrisnega zločina se mi zažre v spomin 
Tam je vsakič, ko zaprem oči
Vsakič ko si zakrijem obraz

5.

Naenkrat zgubljen. V besu. V pragozdu. Me lovijo svinje in opice in tigri 
Dež pada. Zvokovi so. Pomoč kličem. Kr sem se zgubil. In postal svinja

»Da bi pisal resnico. Direktno. Kako je to zajebano!«

In svet je razpadal. Tekel iz ograje ven 
Bežal pred ljudožerci
Na koncu prišel, kjer sem začel
Za ograjo, ki loči: kriminalce od ljudi 
Ampak zunaj nje
Okus drevesa

Prišel do jogija. Mel šume v glavi. Za hišo za templjem
Me je prijel za glavo in s ful lepo melodijo očistu možgane 
In sem bil čist

6.
 »NIKOLI NE BOM GENERAL«
Ljubim tvoj trebuh in vse sokove v njem 
Vse kar se pretaka v tebi

Ljubim vodo, ki si in vse kar v tebi teče
Ni to dovolj vsaj za malo renesanso?

Rad mam noči, ker si lahko predstavljam 
Da sva edina na zemlji
Čeprav sva sredi milijonov samo cifra 
Glede na rang
In razpoloženje nekoga nad-rejenega 
V mravljišču

In nihče nima pojma