Hana and the World

by Katja Gorečan


Hana and the World

as soon as hana steps out of the house she feels like crying.

and she feels terribly ill.

hana knows that this can’t be morning sickness

as she hasn’t had sex for two years, ever since she’d decided on her fast.

hana knows that I’d just told a lie,

after all, we’re not her parents

and we’re not her grandma

or grandpa

to hold it against her if she tells us

that the last time she’d had sex was yesterday

and that as she woke up in the morning

she had no idea who was lying next to her.

but in order for the reader to feel better,

I’ll just say that hana had sex two years ago,

or perhaps even better – that she’s a virgin

and plans on going to a convent,

just as her parents have always wanted.

that is – hana doesn’t like the world.

she likes having sex with strangers, because strangers don’t hurt.

on the other hand, she did realize, just now, writing this,

that she wants pain, because pain leads to beautiful

things, and what’s beautiful can’t be bad for one’s life.

she hates days when she wakes up and doesn’t have cigarettes

because then she’s forced to immediately go to the store

instead of first having her coffee and only then

engaging in conflict with other people.

these other people can be a nuisance because hana

often sings to herself as she walks

and is even more fond of talking to herself.

people give her strange looks,

because nobody else talks to themselves save for

loonies, junkies and bums.

and perhaps lonely men

who seem to be talking to themselves

but are actually addressing hana.

so hana basically hates today before it’s even started

because she’d foolishly smoked her last cigarette yesterday

because she was nervous and had run out of fingernails.

wearing a jumpsuit, she slowly shuffled to the store

ten metres from her apartment

nervous because she could meet the neighbour

that she’d had sex with three months ago and who really hurt her.

but why blame him,

she should rather blame herself, that’s much easier.

three months and not a single reply from him.

how is our dear hana supposed to survive such distress within herself?

she has become a chain smoker.

but despite passionately feeding the cancer within herself,

she still misses him, though she’ll deny it,

as it simply hurts too much

every time

she thinks about him and doesn’t want to be pathetic,

because who would want,

need

or love

an emotional poet.

Hana in svet

v trenutku, ko hana stopi iz hiše, ji gre na jok.

in postane ji neizmerno slabo.

hana ve, da to ne more biti jutranja slabost nosečnosti,

saj ni seksala že dve leti, odkar se je odločila za post.

hana ve, da sem se ravnokar zlagala,

saj mi nismo njeni starši

in nismo njena babica

niti dedek,

da jo bomo obsojali, če nam bo povedala,

da je nazadnje seksala včeraj

in ko se je zjutraj zbudila,

ni vedela, kdo zraven nje leži.

ampak zaradi lepšega občutka bralca

bom raje napisala, da je hana seksala dve leti nazaj

oziroma morda še boljše- da je devica

in namerava v samostan,

kakor so si njeni starši od nekdaj želeli.

torej- hana ne mara sveta.

rada seksa z neznanci, ker neznanci ne bolijo.

čeprav je med pisanjem ravnokar ugotovila,

da si želi bolečine, saj bolečina vodi v nekaj

lepega in kar je lepo, ne more biti slabo za življenje.

sovraži dneve, ko se zbudi brez cigaret,

ker potem mora zjutraj takoj v trgovino,

namesto da bi najprej spila kavo in šele

nato opravila borbo z vsemi ostalimi ljudmi.

ti ostali ljudje znajo biti naporni, saj si hana

velikokrat poje med hojo,

še raje pa se sama s sabo pogovarja.

ljudje jo gledajo čudno,

saj se sami s sabo pogovarjajo samo še

norci, narkomani in brezdomci.

ali morda osamljeni moški,

za katere misliš, da se pogovarjajo sami s sabo,

v bistvu pa nagovarjajo hano.

zato je hana že v osnovi zasovražila današnji dan,

ker je včeraj po pomoti pokadila zadnji cigaret,

saj je bila živčna in nohtov ji je zmanjkalo.

v trenirki je počasi stopicala proti trgovini,

ki je deset metrov stran od njenega stanovanja,

v nervozi, da bi morda srečala soseda,

s katerim je seksala tri mesece nazaj in jo je zelo prizadel.

ampak zakaj bi krivila njega,

raje krivi sebe, ker je to najlažje.

tri mesece in nobenega odgovora od njega.

le kako naša hana še lahko preživi takšno stisko v sebi?

postala je verižna kadilka.

ampak kljub temu da s strastjo hrani raka v sebi,

ga še vedno pogreša, čeprav nam bo to zanikala,

ker jo preprosto preveč zaboli

vsakič,

ko se spomni nanj in noče postati patetična,

kajti emocionalne pesnice pa

nihče noče,

ne potrebuje in

ne ljubi.